It's no small feat to blend social data with personal stories and you did so beautifully. The expectation of our sex lives is as unrealistic as what we're suppose to weigh on a bathroom scale. Yet, even as someone who picks the media apart, I still find myself weighing who I am against other woman. I don't find it healing to know I'm not alone. What I find healing is hearing someone say, "this is me and I'm not apologizing...for any of it". That is the magic of what you're doing. Actual feminism isn't statements... its bending reality, it's dislodging all the explanations we assume we need to make about the parts of ourselves that make people uncomfortable. For years I've been holding misogynist discomfort with the people around me as a form of connection, but that discomfort doesn't belong to me. When we let it go of that borrowed discomfort, we invite a thousand other women to let go. So thank you... for the invitation.
Thank you so much for writing this Farah, I'm a brown-girl starting college this fall and to keep it short this really touched me and was beautifully written. I hope you know what an impact your words have.
I'm a dude and I enjoyed this article I'm a virgin. I actually resonated with some of things you talked about. Although somethings I can't relate to I still empathize and feel a shame in what men do today. Seeing how things are with dating now and focusing on my own goals I decided to opt out as well.
"Getting laid" is not as coveted by girls and women as it is by boys and men because males are generally not good in bed. Men are guaranteed orgasms almost every time but women are not. Statistics show that women orgasm much less with men than they do with other women or with themselves (masturbation). Unless a man is particularly keen on learning from her how to please and bring her to orgasm, there is no reason for a woman to look forwarded to having sex with him.
i know it has been almost a year but thank you for writing this. not only was it well-crafted, but as a guy, it hit me to my core. this piece was eye-opening and has impacted the way i view sex and my own consent as a male. although i can’t relate to most things mentioned, i have also faced my own share of sexual coercion. more than just from sexual partners, but also from male peers.
I wish I knew how to word anything without fear. I don’t even want to write my name in fear of being found out.
38/f/ lost my virginity at 13. Because my sister said she lost hers. And her being older, I wanted to be like her. “She didn’t” and I was left shattered. Although there was assaults as kids I always thought her and I were fairly normal. How far from the truth that is.
I normalized sex due to childhood trauma. I started stripping at 18. And started shooting porn for DVDs when I was 19. I have lost all faith in romance. Or finding someone who will truly accept me as I am.
I wanted to thank you, for allowing me to live vicariously through this piece. If only I knew then what I know now.
such a great post, this really should be in all major publications. I've seen this idea floating around for a while but you've really crafted such a well-rounded expression of it.
This is super depressing. I’m old (60) and was raised by sex positive parents, came of age after the pill and before AIDS (a magical time) and had so much respectful fun from 15-30. Sure a few regrettable decisions but akin to being a new driver and getting in a fender bender before full driving proficiency. Newly single in my late 40s…still had respectful fun. Secret weapon? Dunno. The men said “confidence”. Ask for what you want. Say NO to what you don’t. I have brothers and sons who all seem to like their wives/gf and respect their daughters’ autonomy. Same message given to the sons and daughters. Are we just lucky? I hate to think so.
Ok good for you then? Why come on this post to just humble brag about how amazing your parents were and how amazing your sex life was from a young age when clearly this article isn’t for people like you? Some of us didn’t have parents or experiences or communities that would even allow us to foster confidence. Also, it’s not 1970-whatever anymore, smack dab in the middle of the free love movement. How are we supposed to want to have sex and be “free” when men are literally stripping our rights away one piece of legislation or one piece of revenge porn or one night of SA at a time? Your comment just sounds really humble-brag-ish, annoying, and ignorant.
Sorry. I think I was merely trying to show the younglings that there’s another way to be. Some think it’s bad now and has always been bad. There was a time…not so bad. Also, the men stripping away your rights are de facto unfuckable. Presumably wanting to have sex can be decoupled from particular bad actors, no?
Wow, this was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I’m currently writing a very similar piece myself, and this popped up on my feed. I just turned 35, and although I haven’t been a virgin since my teens, been through my fair share of SA, and have championed the sex positivity movement as well, I’ve lately begun to view it more critically and demand to see what sexual freedom really looks like for women.
Something I read recently (can’t quite place where) lingered in my mind for some time, and it was the concept that in a society where women aren’t really free and have autonomy over their bodies, in societies where women’s rights are still contested even down to identity policing and organs, in other words, in societies still governed by patriarchal values, there really is no true freedom or sexual freedom for women. The two simply cannot coexist. Choice and freedom interwoven within frameworks of misogynistic layers cannot hold space for freedom — your oppressor is not your saviour, it’s an illusion.
It’s a Catch 22, just like how we wonder if free thought exists in a world riddled with ads, algorithms, and social media.
That’s not to say we accept this. We unequivocally, vehemently do not. We continue the fight. But it starts from within the system, because the root is dismantling patriarchy. Until then, the ideals of ‘sex positivity’ are just that — idealistic — when they’re lived within an oppressive framework.
It is no wonder girls are disproportionately affected by their first times as compared to guys, because despite these feminist movements, we still operate and navigate within a system that is inherently against us, hates us, and socializes girls to become people-pleasing women. Even those that oppose these beliefs carry biases and fears and they’re borne from as early as a time that we have little control over; the toys we’re given as toddlers, the lessons we are taught and not taught as kids, the expectations as teens, the misogynistic undercurrents of media and politics, the rumour mills all around us, gossip magazines and paparazzi, revenge porn, porn in general, rape culture, victim blaming, slut-shaming, anti-abortion laws, the ambiguity of a consensus on consent and consent laws, and so much more. All of this teach us, in tiny, subtle, microagressive ways, that sex is a losing game for women. When the bar is so low it doesn’t even exist… that’s when tolerance for abuse is raised, when 18 year olds are spoken of as “grown adults making decisions”, when arguments for safety against coercion is labelled as “sexist against men, when victims feel wronged but do not have the verbiage or vocabulary to voice their violation.
When power dynamics are the foremost motivator of sexual assault and violence against women, and patriarchy favours empowering men… well…
Freedom, including sexual freedom, for women within a patriarchal society is contrarian, period.
Even those of us who believe we got away from the venomous fangs of patriarchal sex, aren’t safe from the rest of society who don’t believe in feminism, or inclusive sex positivity, or the dangers of porn and misogynistic media. These people still exist and thrive because a patriarchal society makes space for them to. These people don’t have to fight for laws to protect their bodily autonomy or human rights, and they certainly don’t have to choose between food or menstrual products.
Men have never had this issue to contend with, and the concepts are unfathomable to them. That is not to say they don’t have their own set of issues, but the weight of sex and virginity does not fall under that umbrella for them in the same way it does for women, and as such, their socialization towards sex differs.
There’s a reason why it is this way. While biology does play a role to an extent, it isn’t an argument of biology so much as it is an argument against misogynistic propaganda and laws.
The pattern prevails indiscriminately in other, marginal groups such as queer folks, non-binary folks, trans men and women, people with uteruses who can’t get pregnant. The pattern of how power dynamics are abused. A pattern that has been exploited and exacerbated by patriarchy in our current societies.
For that reason alone, the discourse on women’s sexual freedom simply cannot exempt conversations on dismantling patriarchy.
I read this piece hours ago and I’m still thinking about it. The aforementioned comments are right. You blend statistics and data with personal anecdotes that bring toxic sex positivity culture to its knees while also doing the same with purity culture. This piece made me think about the ways in which women often end up being the casualties of male self development and growth. Being a man requires a certain amount of bravado that gives little room for shame, regret, or embarrassment. How are the men (excuse me boys) who spend their time dishing out details about their sexploits with their bros supposed to do so if they’re plagued with shame, or regret or embarrassment? How are they supposed to earn their stripes as men? I think putting boundaries around sex gives women some protection against the oftentimes savagery of the male sexual appetite. It protects us from being their shame eaters which unfortunately was a fate that befell some of your friends.
I love this. I was actually just having this conversation with my therapist today, and why I avoid intimacy (and have for years) because of the larger context of how common *violence* is and how you are prudish if you refuse to accept it. It’s scary to me that the idea of consent has been so warped that it is OK for cishet men to manipulate, lie and cheat their way into getting a “yes”, but hey! It was a yes! Thank you so much for writing this, you’re wonderful. You put all my feelings into words.
this piece is so incredible!! i’m only pushing 20 and i already feel weird about being a virgin but when i think back to my last relationship, i am SO GLAD i didn’t go through with anything. i can definitely relate to feeling like the odd one out, so i found this essay so comforting and relatable.
This was so SO brilliantly written and I know I'll be thinking about it for a long time. Such a well-thought out and well-articulated argument about sex-positivity that I hadn't considered before. Thank you for sharing this!
This is such an incredible article. As a woman who always loved sex, I always noticed a few things: one, I seemingly consented to sex for different reasons than many of my female friends. I actively enjoyed and wanted it, but so many of my friends seemed to just want the guy to like them, or stick around, or to perform correctly as a woman. Even just enjoying sex was empowering enough for me to usually not give in to the pressure—and I do believe that’s part of why. I can imagine not enjoying sex as a woman, either always or some of the time, yet still being pressured to engage in it only cements the idea that you perform sex for a man’s pleasure, and that you’re a defective woman if you don’t, because what is your purpose?
It's no small feat to blend social data with personal stories and you did so beautifully. The expectation of our sex lives is as unrealistic as what we're suppose to weigh on a bathroom scale. Yet, even as someone who picks the media apart, I still find myself weighing who I am against other woman. I don't find it healing to know I'm not alone. What I find healing is hearing someone say, "this is me and I'm not apologizing...for any of it". That is the magic of what you're doing. Actual feminism isn't statements... its bending reality, it's dislodging all the explanations we assume we need to make about the parts of ourselves that make people uncomfortable. For years I've been holding misogynist discomfort with the people around me as a form of connection, but that discomfort doesn't belong to me. When we let it go of that borrowed discomfort, we invite a thousand other women to let go. So thank you... for the invitation.
Oh love this comment
Thank you so much for writing this Farah, I'm a brown-girl starting college this fall and to keep it short this really touched me and was beautifully written. I hope you know what an impact your words have.
I'm a dude and I enjoyed this article I'm a virgin. I actually resonated with some of things you talked about. Although somethings I can't relate to I still empathize and feel a shame in what men do today. Seeing how things are with dating now and focusing on my own goals I decided to opt out as well.
You’re virgin due to lack of options most likely not being good looking enough. Girls don’t need to be good looking or confident to get laid
"Getting laid" is not as coveted by girls and women as it is by boys and men because males are generally not good in bed. Men are guaranteed orgasms almost every time but women are not. Statistics show that women orgasm much less with men than they do with other women or with themselves (masturbation). Unless a man is particularly keen on learning from her how to please and bring her to orgasm, there is no reason for a woman to look forwarded to having sex with him.
i know it has been almost a year but thank you for writing this. not only was it well-crafted, but as a guy, it hit me to my core. this piece was eye-opening and has impacted the way i view sex and my own consent as a male. although i can’t relate to most things mentioned, i have also faced my own share of sexual coercion. more than just from sexual partners, but also from male peers.
I wish I knew how to word anything without fear. I don’t even want to write my name in fear of being found out.
38/f/ lost my virginity at 13. Because my sister said she lost hers. And her being older, I wanted to be like her. “She didn’t” and I was left shattered. Although there was assaults as kids I always thought her and I were fairly normal. How far from the truth that is.
I normalized sex due to childhood trauma. I started stripping at 18. And started shooting porn for DVDs when I was 19. I have lost all faith in romance. Or finding someone who will truly accept me as I am.
I wanted to thank you, for allowing me to live vicariously through this piece. If only I knew then what I know now.
Healthy amount of Endnotes too
such a great post, this really should be in all major publications. I've seen this idea floating around for a while but you've really crafted such a well-rounded expression of it.
This is super depressing. I’m old (60) and was raised by sex positive parents, came of age after the pill and before AIDS (a magical time) and had so much respectful fun from 15-30. Sure a few regrettable decisions but akin to being a new driver and getting in a fender bender before full driving proficiency. Newly single in my late 40s…still had respectful fun. Secret weapon? Dunno. The men said “confidence”. Ask for what you want. Say NO to what you don’t. I have brothers and sons who all seem to like their wives/gf and respect their daughters’ autonomy. Same message given to the sons and daughters. Are we just lucky? I hate to think so.
Ok good for you then? Why come on this post to just humble brag about how amazing your parents were and how amazing your sex life was from a young age when clearly this article isn’t for people like you? Some of us didn’t have parents or experiences or communities that would even allow us to foster confidence. Also, it’s not 1970-whatever anymore, smack dab in the middle of the free love movement. How are we supposed to want to have sex and be “free” when men are literally stripping our rights away one piece of legislation or one piece of revenge porn or one night of SA at a time? Your comment just sounds really humble-brag-ish, annoying, and ignorant.
Sorry. I think I was merely trying to show the younglings that there’s another way to be. Some think it’s bad now and has always been bad. There was a time…not so bad. Also, the men stripping away your rights are de facto unfuckable. Presumably wanting to have sex can be decoupled from particular bad actors, no?
Wow, this was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I’m currently writing a very similar piece myself, and this popped up on my feed. I just turned 35, and although I haven’t been a virgin since my teens, been through my fair share of SA, and have championed the sex positivity movement as well, I’ve lately begun to view it more critically and demand to see what sexual freedom really looks like for women.
Something I read recently (can’t quite place where) lingered in my mind for some time, and it was the concept that in a society where women aren’t really free and have autonomy over their bodies, in societies where women’s rights are still contested even down to identity policing and organs, in other words, in societies still governed by patriarchal values, there really is no true freedom or sexual freedom for women. The two simply cannot coexist. Choice and freedom interwoven within frameworks of misogynistic layers cannot hold space for freedom — your oppressor is not your saviour, it’s an illusion.
It’s a Catch 22, just like how we wonder if free thought exists in a world riddled with ads, algorithms, and social media.
That’s not to say we accept this. We unequivocally, vehemently do not. We continue the fight. But it starts from within the system, because the root is dismantling patriarchy. Until then, the ideals of ‘sex positivity’ are just that — idealistic — when they’re lived within an oppressive framework.
It is no wonder girls are disproportionately affected by their first times as compared to guys, because despite these feminist movements, we still operate and navigate within a system that is inherently against us, hates us, and socializes girls to become people-pleasing women. Even those that oppose these beliefs carry biases and fears and they’re borne from as early as a time that we have little control over; the toys we’re given as toddlers, the lessons we are taught and not taught as kids, the expectations as teens, the misogynistic undercurrents of media and politics, the rumour mills all around us, gossip magazines and paparazzi, revenge porn, porn in general, rape culture, victim blaming, slut-shaming, anti-abortion laws, the ambiguity of a consensus on consent and consent laws, and so much more. All of this teach us, in tiny, subtle, microagressive ways, that sex is a losing game for women. When the bar is so low it doesn’t even exist… that’s when tolerance for abuse is raised, when 18 year olds are spoken of as “grown adults making decisions”, when arguments for safety against coercion is labelled as “sexist against men, when victims feel wronged but do not have the verbiage or vocabulary to voice their violation.
When power dynamics are the foremost motivator of sexual assault and violence against women, and patriarchy favours empowering men… well…
Freedom, including sexual freedom, for women within a patriarchal society is contrarian, period.
Even those of us who believe we got away from the venomous fangs of patriarchal sex, aren’t safe from the rest of society who don’t believe in feminism, or inclusive sex positivity, or the dangers of porn and misogynistic media. These people still exist and thrive because a patriarchal society makes space for them to. These people don’t have to fight for laws to protect their bodily autonomy or human rights, and they certainly don’t have to choose between food or menstrual products.
Men have never had this issue to contend with, and the concepts are unfathomable to them. That is not to say they don’t have their own set of issues, but the weight of sex and virginity does not fall under that umbrella for them in the same way it does for women, and as such, their socialization towards sex differs.
There’s a reason why it is this way. While biology does play a role to an extent, it isn’t an argument of biology so much as it is an argument against misogynistic propaganda and laws.
The pattern prevails indiscriminately in other, marginal groups such as queer folks, non-binary folks, trans men and women, people with uteruses who can’t get pregnant. The pattern of how power dynamics are abused. A pattern that has been exploited and exacerbated by patriarchy in our current societies.
For that reason alone, the discourse on women’s sexual freedom simply cannot exempt conversations on dismantling patriarchy.
I read this piece hours ago and I’m still thinking about it. The aforementioned comments are right. You blend statistics and data with personal anecdotes that bring toxic sex positivity culture to its knees while also doing the same with purity culture. This piece made me think about the ways in which women often end up being the casualties of male self development and growth. Being a man requires a certain amount of bravado that gives little room for shame, regret, or embarrassment. How are the men (excuse me boys) who spend their time dishing out details about their sexploits with their bros supposed to do so if they’re plagued with shame, or regret or embarrassment? How are they supposed to earn their stripes as men? I think putting boundaries around sex gives women some protection against the oftentimes savagery of the male sexual appetite. It protects us from being their shame eaters which unfortunately was a fate that befell some of your friends.
This is the best thing I've read on Substack
I love this. I was actually just having this conversation with my therapist today, and why I avoid intimacy (and have for years) because of the larger context of how common *violence* is and how you are prudish if you refuse to accept it. It’s scary to me that the idea of consent has been so warped that it is OK for cishet men to manipulate, lie and cheat their way into getting a “yes”, but hey! It was a yes! Thank you so much for writing this, you’re wonderful. You put all my feelings into words.
this piece is so incredible!! i’m only pushing 20 and i already feel weird about being a virgin but when i think back to my last relationship, i am SO GLAD i didn’t go through with anything. i can definitely relate to feeling like the odd one out, so i found this essay so comforting and relatable.
instantly subscribed after this. you put everything together so eloquently whilst still incorporating facts and data
This was so SO brilliantly written and I know I'll be thinking about it for a long time. Such a well-thought out and well-articulated argument about sex-positivity that I hadn't considered before. Thank you for sharing this!
This is such an incredible article. As a woman who always loved sex, I always noticed a few things: one, I seemingly consented to sex for different reasons than many of my female friends. I actively enjoyed and wanted it, but so many of my friends seemed to just want the guy to like them, or stick around, or to perform correctly as a woman. Even just enjoying sex was empowering enough for me to usually not give in to the pressure—and I do believe that’s part of why. I can imagine not enjoying sex as a woman, either always or some of the time, yet still being pressured to engage in it only cements the idea that you perform sex for a man’s pleasure, and that you’re a defective woman if you don’t, because what is your purpose?